IF YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE THEM, IT'S ALREADY A NO - Erotic Intelligence & Leadership
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UNSTUCK - 3 founder spots in July.
How much of your life is built around trying harder? This myth, if we only try harder, push more, try one more time, have one more conversation, try one more strategy, get one more certification (yes, this is for you, my "if I get my 12th PhD/breathwork certification/facilitator training, I'll do the thing"-friends), reach one more goal, have one more relationship, where does it take us? Does it really take you any further, higher, deeper? Sure, learning is the butter to the bread of being human. And does it need to be certified, applied, expanded? Are you truly living, embodying, applying all the things you already are? Have you ever considered that it's not so much about what you do, but more about who you are? Maybe the answer is not trying harder, longer, more, more, more. Maybe it's surrendering. Maybe it's breathing. Maybe it's being. And yes, easier said than done, I know.
THE STORY
For almost two years I obsessed over finding my husband. I was so deeply devoted to meeting my partner. All my sex magic was about him, all my dreams. I did all the things, I wrote the letters, I brought it to therapy, I did the rituals, I got so crystal clear on who I need to be for this man to show up. Whenever I met a man, online, in real life, I wondered, investigated, assessed. Every man became a possibility. Every meeting became an interview. Every interaction secretly asked: "Is it you?" Right away. It was all that mattered. I never even gave myself the opportunity to meet the human, the people. I was evaluating candidates. Also, too much, too fast, too soon. In heinsight I can see how that (one again, I know, same old, same old) was driven by a deep, old anxiety to secure relationship right away. Trying to convince. Trying to make myself the obvious choice. Sure, I had done enough work, and known myself well enough to still be me, and it also became about being chosen, selected. Eventually it became exhausting. This one solo 3 day hike in the wild mountains close to where I lived felt like a turning point. I embarked on this adventure to get clear on the qualities of my parents I seaked out in potential partners, aware or unaware, to recreate childhood patterns and find healing. Once I got clear on that, I thought I was good. I met a man, he wanted to take it slow. It also was a disaster, and I got really, really activated and ultimately heartbroken after being in touch daily for a couple of months and then him going offline without communicating. The (birth) terror that was reactivated sat deep and really shook me. Ironically, heartbreak removed my capacity to perform. I was simply too exhausted. And that's exactly when Michael entered my life. I had zero capacity to perform. All I could be was my tender-hearted, raw, sobbing myself to sleep-self. No convincing. No chasing. The first relationship that felt like life choosing me instead of me negotiating to be chosen. Plus, it is a slow burn. There is space and time in between our meetings. I don't even get a chance to push, try hard, convince.
THE PATTERN
Convincing is a nervous system strategy. Convincing says: "If I can just get you to understand me... I'll finally be safe." Or "If I explain it well enough... you'll finally choose me." Or "If I say it perfectly... I won't be rejected." Convincing is what we do when our nervous system believes agreement equals safety. I still do that, allllll the time. Again, over time, I found more and more understanding and awareness of the why, where is this coming from, why do I need to explain myself, or convince, or argue, or can't just let that go, and be. I have found that underneath convincing is usually quite existential fear. That might be fear of abandonment, fear of conflict (big one for me, it is so deeply engrained in me that conflict = I am not loved anymore, and one of my closest friends helped be heal this big time- a story for another time), fear of not belonging (yeah, this primordial, existential dread of being expelled from our community and left alone to fight sabretooth tigers, usually rather unsuccessfully, and even though the brain might now that this threat is not accurate anymore, it is deep in our survival instinct that we cannot make it alone, which partially is still true), fear of being misunderstood, fear of not being loved.
Convincing looks like we are trying to change someone else's mind, opinion, worldview. It's a more or less desperate attempt to regulate your own nervous system through someone else's agreement. Here's an invitation for you. Next time you are trying hard to get this person to agree with you, check in with your body, or vice versa, when someone is trying to convince you. You might notice a body leaning forward, breath shallow, talk sped up, over-explaining, repetition, jaw tension, crinkly forehead, hastiness, chest tightness, urge to keep speaking, sympathetic activation ("fight") or fawn ("please understand me").
Convincing is a way of outsourcing safety. Once again, we make us dependent on something external. We put this pressure on the person across from us (or the achievement, certification, income, promotion, million). "If you finally understand me... I'll finally relax." Hence, you make your softening dependent on their response. You remove your options, you castrate yourself of your opportunities to choose. You are limiting your possibilities. Children convince. Adults choose. A child begs: "Please understand me." An adult says: "This is true for me." You see the difference? Survival vs. power. Letting the other person have their own reality is deeply powerful.
Convincing often stems from inconsistent caregiving. When a child learns "I have to explain harder." "I have to make Dad understand." "I have to prove I'm good." "I have to justify my feelings." Also, "I am only loved if I keep the peace, if i don't show my feelings, if I'm 'good'" This gets registered and learned in the body as "Love (in all its expressions and forms) comes through persuasion." Children convince caregivers to stay. Adults convince lovers to love them. Leaders convince clients to trust them. Different strategies, same body. You might notice that contraction, the trying too hard, the exhaustion. On the other hand, surrender creates availability. The more tightly you grip, the less life can move. The body needs to soften long before life arrives.
Ultimately, convincing is a cry for safety. We only feel safe when we keep the peace at all costs, when we find more arguments/certifications/reasoning/silencing to be accepted, loved, approved, wanted. The safety is outsourced and through that we disempower ourselves. It might be convincing clients, partners, boards, employees, children. But underneath... he's still trying to convince Dad he was enough. Or Mum that his feelings mattered.
A gateway into being with this part that tries so hard to get everyone on board? You might have guessed communication. I say: capacity. What I mean by that? The nervous system that can tolerate uncertainty, disagreement, discomfort, being misunderstood, being the villein. How is it for you to even think: "They don't understand me." "They don't agree." "They're disappointed." "They're leaving."
Can you still be here? Finding that safety inside of you that you are loved no matter what, even if this one person leaves, disagrees, disapproves, trolls you on the internet. "I am here"
Real freedom arrives when you no longer need to be understood in order to remain connected to yourself.
SOCIETAL REFLECTION
We celebrate effort. Glorify certifications. Hustle. Persistence. Never giving up. Sure, devotion is beautiful. Persistance has its place. And often, it's trauma wearing ambition. Have you ever learned about the fine line between devotion and obsession? Between commitment and control? Between creating... and chasing? That softness, love and care that is asked of you to be receptive to life, to magic, that's a whole different story. That's expanding capacity. Leadership is so much more than convincing the world to choose you, that you are the best, the only one.
THE INVITATION
How much energy are you spending trying to earn what cannot be earned? Are you feeling respected, loved, desired? How hard have you tried to feel this? The ones around you can feel it when you are grasping, trying too hard. Your partner, your clients, life. Presence begins the moment convincing ends. When you stop negotiating for your worth, people relax around you. You take off the pressure. You show that you can are capable of tending to yourself. That's the kind of man others naturally trust. That's the kind of leader I help build.
EMBODIED INQUIERY
Where are you trying too hard?
Where are you convincing instead of trusting?
Who already chooses you? And what would happen if you finally believed them?
Stop Trying So Hard
If you have to convince someone to love you, choose you, hire you, or stay with you... it's already a no.