Love Letters from Flora: WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID YOU MIGHT WANT? - Desire, Shame & Erotic Intelligence | 29
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What do I want that threatens who I think I am? If you’ve been reading my Love Letters for some time, months maybe even, you might be noticing that we are descending into the underworld. We are embarking on journeys into the shadows, into the seemingly darker corners of our human existence. In case you are new here, I recommend you backtrack a bit. We’re spent many Love Letters exploring how desire is intelligence. Let your eye be caught by a word, a phrase, and let that be the portal, your gateway, your entry into how I tell stories about my life, explore the pattern underneath and how I see it manifesting in the wider world, mused on in societal reflections, crowned with an embodied inquiry, somatic tools intended to explore physical sensations underneath all the stories. Maybe we set something free, maybe you learn something new about yourself, maybe you connect a couple more dots in this miracle of being alive, having a body and experiencing pleasure and pain. Come home to yourself.
So, let us descend. We explored what you want and how you already might not allow yourself any of that. Even wanting in itself might scare the shit out of you, or simply be completely unchartered territory, especially sexually. Potentially you grew up hearing sex is bad, or not hearing about sex at all, or that it was shameful or sinful and definitely not for pleasure. So wanting sex and simply saying that out lout to yourself could be edgy for you. Today we are taking it a few steps deeper: what are you afraid you might want?
THE STORY
Come with me into the erotic basement. What about desire you don’t want to have? I personally have been on a very interesting exploration of my power lately. Wanting so brings us into the realm of power. I want something that you have. You want something that I can give you. It might be pain, or pleasure, or whatever else, and we are in the extremely powerful position of providing it, but maybe not even aware of this immense power we hold. There is also vibrating power in knowing what you want and even more in asking for it and most in having capacity to receive it, or receive a no. This brings us to the conflicting discrepancy: what if the body says yes and the mind says abso-fucking-lutely not?
I recently had the privilege to attend a beautifully curated event, and one of the invitations of the skilled facilitators was to check our truth on four levels: the head, the heart, the gut and the sex. As you might be aware, I come from a world where the head was the ruler, the mind was the ultimate and every decision was based on its wisdom. Over a decade, I went deep into the wisdom of the body, and studied modalities which often want to leave the mind completely out of the equation. So I truly appreciated this approach of letting all those parts of the body speak. In one exercise we were invited to share in a diade about a challenge we are currently experiencing in our lives. And then let the mind, the heart, the gut and the sex speak to it. I found it quite fascinating and illuminating.
ALIVE
One of the curiosities in my work and my life (which, you know, one is the other, they are intrinsically linked, especially with my line of work) is, “What’s in the way?” And when a desire, a want, makes your entire body tingle and vibrate with aliveness (which partially might be terror, which definitely is an expression of aliveness), and the mind throws on the alarm bells with a red flashing NO, NO, NO, I’d be so curious to find out more, and let the mind speak. What don’t you want to discover that you want? Sex? Power? Surrender? Pain? Recognition? Destruction? Vendetta? Wealth? Another life? Another person? Freedom? What scares you the most? That might be a fear worth titrating and exploring. You might be shocked to acknowledge the existence of a tiny whisper of a desire to dominate. Or maybe it’s the other way around and what feels like your darkest desire is being completely held, in ultimate safety, roped up, cocooned in, completely held, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Maybe your deepest desire is being told exactly what to do, letting go of all responsibilities, being of utmost service and following commands, be in complete submission. Maybe it is the opposite, telling someone exactly what to do, and punishing them for not complying or executing their task perfectly. Another scene might involve consensual non consent, desires of being chased through the woods, thrown to the mossy ground and ravished. Maybe you simply want them to book a restaurant, or a vacation, or take out the garbage. Maybe you want a new life. Maybe you want to stop working. And what to do, how to be when those desires, especially sexually, completely contradict your persona? How you wanna be seen by the world, and especially yourself?
Can the powerful CEO and founder, the politician, the bank director have a desire to be tied up and suspended? Or be exactly told what to do? Can their deepest desire be to completely submit? Naturally you might assume they enjoy their powerful position in all areas of their life. I say, switching roles might be what gives them even more power because finally there comes awareness of the power, and how it truly feels to feel small. It might offer perspective, and as I often say, bring presence into the power. But, can they allow themselves to want that? Just let go of control, for once? Be cradled and held, surrender and soften completely? The potential response might be, “I’d rather die than to ask for what I’m truly craving. What if anyone finds out? And I need to live now with knowing that I have this desire.”
Let’s turn this scenario around. What if I really enjoy using my power and having someone submit? Tying them up and having them at my mercy to untie those ropes or whatever it is that you’re playing with, turns me on and makes me tingle with aliveness. It makes me laugh with ecstatic joy to know that I am this powerful. To someone who usually in their lives is rather small, this can be a cathartic experience. Finally feeling that power they had all the way along.
My hypothesis here is that our desires in the sexual realm can be extremely potent gateways to connect different parts of ourselves, and bring parts that have been hiding in the shadows into the light. It might be scary at first, because, remember, dimly lit country roads, à la “Holy Shit, I have never felt this powerful/incapable in my entire life before.” You will gain new perspectives be integrating those parts that have been in the basement.
ALIVE
We need to be aware of our power. We need to know where we are using it, abusing it, and where we are giving it away. It can be so edgy to own our power in that way because knowing what you want is powerful. Knowing what you want, being capable, having the tools, the communication skills to ask for what you want is even more powerful. Most powerful, know what you want, ask for what you want, and if they say no, you’re totally cool with it. And that might require a lot of practice. As they say, rejection is redirection. And sometimes it’s really hard to feel rejected like, “Oh my god, I was too much with what I asked.” And you know what, it probably has nothing to do with you.
Remember, I shared this quite embarrassing story of my own life, where I wasn’t proud. I wasn’t proud of myself for an action I took. I followed a desire, more relationally than sexually initially, I did follow an impulse and in the moment I could not take responsibility for my actions. I think in hindsight afterwards I did a good job in trying to repair and be responsible for my actions. And you know, sometimes we do things that are irreparable that cannot be repaired. So spending some time with your wants and your desires, your fears around what you might want might be a good idea.
THE PATTERN
Desire itself is harmless. It’s a compass, a pointer into the direction life itself wants you to move to. It gives you a tingle, warmth, a tremble. And then, what do you do with it? Do you push it into the dark basement of your consciousness? Do you let it fester and ignore it, hoping it will go away? It might. Or not. Unconscious desire is dangerous. Not desire itself. When we suppress, we shy away from taking responsibility. But once we are ware of the existence of the desire, and I’m not even talking about acknowledging or even celebrating it, we give ourselves choices. Awareness creates the possibility of responsibility.
ALIVE
Another red thread I see here: identity determines which desires are permitted. The bad boss cannot want their hair caressed and lullaby’s sung to. The good hero cannot want to punish someone (consensually). The powerful person shouldn’t want surrender. The independent person shouldn’t want to be held. The good person shouldn’t want to dominate. The successful person shouldn’t want to quit. The committed person shouldn’t desire someone else. We don’t stop wanting, desiring, longing. We make the want smaller, more acceptable, more digestible. We breadcrumb ourselves. We hunger. We somewhere learned, “What do I need to ask in order to get at least a fraction of what I truly want?”
Which leaves us at remaining hungry ghosts. Until we die.
Ask for the thing! And can you ask for it without demanding it? You can request a thing without demanding it. And on the receiving end of a request, of a desire, of a want, there is also responsibility. You don’t need to obey. You don’t need to comply. You have choice. Give it some considered thought. “Oh, hold on. Give me a moment. Let me think about that.” Once again, communication skills come in so handy here where you can voice, “Ah, I’m open to that.” And how about negotiating? Levelling up, levelling down. And I’m not going all the way in yet, but there are options. And it can be terrifying to get in touch with what you want, especially if it is edgy.
And let’s be honest, how hot is it when somebody comes in and says, “I like this thing. I want this thing. Would you be willing to do the thing? I would so love it too if you could lay down.” There are different flavours to play with, but simply hearing someone request something they really want and then having that power of choosing to give that to them or not. So. Much. Power.
All of this requires obviously a tremendous amount of self-awareness, communication skills and more. Sophistication is required to keep this from becoming “follow every impulse”. You are responsible for your actions. Own the existence of your desires. Remove the shame. Be judicious. Desire can be heard with no need of being obeyed. Or, it can be fulfilled with lots of fine-tuning and responsibility. That is erotic intelligence with teeth.
THE INVITATION
He might have spent his entire life policing his desires. Policing desires. Not wanting, not being allowed to want. That simply the question “What do you like? What would you like? What do you want?” shocks him into silence. It’s a big question. What do you want? What do you like? And we can play with nuances of that. It can be in the exploration. It can be, “Do you like it when I gently run my fingertips over the inside of your arm?” Yes/no questions are very helpful here. Would you rather have it if I applied more pressure and moved slower? Giving them opportunity for yes and no for being in the experience and still offering that guidance. And again, what you find might scare you.
ALIVE
With that shock, policing desires, silencing them, the erotic became very small. Maybe it’s missionary. In and out. Two minutes. Ciao. Maybe it involves a little bit of foreplay, but the erotic became tiny, boxed into which requests, which answers are acceptable. What do I need to ask in order to get at least a fraction of what I truly want? It’s holding back again and hiding and making it digestible, playing small. How do I need to ask in order to receive a fraction of what I really want? Be bold. Be motherfucking bold and brave and truly ask for what you want. The worst thing, worst case scenario, they say no. And they might offer you something way better than you could have not even imagined. And what becomes possible when he can tell the truth first to himself. Yeah. Oh. Just as the opportunity to know what you want. Know what you want. Become aware. Befriend your desires. Be allowed to want. And hug the fear that might be in the way of wanting. Yeah, that might lead to identity crisis or whatever it is. But yeah, it’s once again it’s it’s a big thing the wanting, the desiring and how we also made our desires and our wants more we made them less. We made them more digestible. We policed them so we would at least get a fraction of what we truly desire.
It’s amputating us from life, from aliveness.
What are you afraid you might want? Let it be an exploration with yourself or safe partners, lovers, professionals, there’s all kinds of ways to befriend your desires. Befriend your desires, your wants.
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