THE BODY KNOWS BEFORE THE MIND: Erotic Intelligence & Embodied Leadership | 15
Anyone else here super talented convincing themselves that this thing is true? Whatever this thing is for you. This deal. This client. This partner. This place to live. The head, the talking are so heavy. If something requires a lot of words, a lot of convincing, it hardly ever is true. This is the story of me going to Burning Man, wet wipes and the quiet no. It’s about an experience where the body knew before the plan even existed. It is about learning the language of sensation. The body constantly receives tons of information before cognition organizes it into language. Tingles. Heat. Numbness. Contraction. Etc. We, including myself, spend years talking ourselves out of what we already feel. It’s such a juxtaposition. And so true. The sensation is already here, and we do wild things to ignore them, make them go away (brings me back to substance use also or movement as punishment). This episode is about the intelligence the mind cannot touch alone.
The Story
Me going to Burning Man has been a long time coming. I’m a long time burner, I love and identify with the culture, and have attended two AfrikaBurns in the Tankwa Karoo in South Africa about a decade ago, and absolutely loved it. My life here in BC began with attending a small local Burning Man, 7 years ago. It lay the foundation of all my relationships here. I knew my teacher, Layla Martin, and her friends always go to Burning Man, and I wanted to go. I wanted to play. I wanted art. I wanted desert. So I went. I packed up my car and drove all the way from Revelstoke, BC, to Black Rock City, Nevada, It was a stunningly beautiful road trip with a hectic boarder crossing due to a lemon and a lime I had in my car. I drove south mainly on Highway 395, absolutely stunning. I love driving through the US (besides southern Wyoming, I found that extremely boring). You drive through so much land, so much diversity, and nature once again made my mouth gape wide open in awe constantly on this drive. I went to Burning Man with two intentions: 1. meet my husband (I was really devoted to making that happen for a year or two, and now I am the most poly and queer I have ever been in my life so far...). 2. grow my business.
I met a man almost immediately arriving on playa. I had early arrival to help with setting up the camp I had become part of ultra last minute. All of this was ultra last minute. A friend had offered extra tickets in a social media shout out 2ish weeks prior, and I had said yes, because my body said yes. I had a sense of what I was getting myself into, but also not. The desert in South Africa and the desert in Nevada are of very different kinds. My friend here equipped me with expedition gear, I picked up a cruiser bike on my drive, got snacks in the last town (don’t do that), filled up water, and there I was. Arriving in Black Rock City. Dreams coming true. Picked up my tickets. Got naked at greeters (IYFKYK). Dust storm. So insanely dusty. I was alone in my car. And pulled out my goggles and bandana to cover my face. Dust came in everywhere. I saw nothing. I felt ok, but also a little scared and uncomfortable at times. It lasted a while. You literally do not see that hand in front of your face. Eventually, after hours, the air cleared a bit. And I, with my spidey senses of directions, slowly start inching my car, high beams on, into the direction where I assumed the theme camp was I got in so last minute (a generous friend made that connection). And obviously I found it, as it was getting dark. No signs, no landmarks, but an extremely committed woman. There was a large circus style tent I was ushered into. The vibes were crisis. One of the first people I met offered me wet wipes. Honestly, the most outrageously romantic thing you can do in a dust storm. I will tell you the entire tale of Flora at Burning Man another day. The whole point here is, this is where a love story began. Or at least, a story. The man who had offered me the wet wipes must be my husband, right? We spent most of the week together. It was sweet. I constantly took the lead (hello, subconscious control freak, I love you). I had way more energy, aliveness, fun and coffee than he did. It was pleasant to have a companion. The kissing and making out was hot. Simultaneously, I was a little bored and definitely made myself smaller and dimmed my light in order to be easier and please, in heinsight. I had fun, and i also held back. Underneath all of it, my body knew. There was a quiet no living underneath the connection the entire time. But the mind is clever. “He’s consistent.” “He wants you.” “This could work.” “You should give it a chance.” My highlights? The art. Art everywhere, everything art. It blew my mind and right now, as I’m writing this, puts a huge smile onto my face and heart. People create. It made me so, so happy. More highlights: assisting at both the workshops my teacher offered. That was incredibly powerful to be a foundational, holding part of, wow. I also loved the desert, obviously. Biking across playa forever, being held in those yoni-shaped mountains. Some dancing. I am excited to go back. I even invited this man to spend a couple of nights together in Reno after he had missed his flight. Once we parted ways, he started calling every day. It kinda felt nice.
We got to know more of each others stories. We made plans. We tried to build something. Meanwhile my body kept saying no. Clear. Calm. Repeated. And all the time, I quietly overrode it. After all, this was the man I met at Burning Man, so he must be my husband, correct? Oh baby. How we abandon ourselves when we want something, how we cling to the story of the mind instead of listening to the body’s truth. I was in Austria when plans of him coming to see me in BC solidified. And I felt it. I felt the no. Contraction. Nausea. Tight jaw. I said it. I said, “I don’t want you to come. This is too much too soon.” But it did not land well. And I talked myself out of it. More “He’s consistent.” “He wants you.” “This could work.” “You should give it a chance.” And then I let myself be talked into plus talked myself into giving it a try. and I somewhat had to give it a try. Interesting side note - my body did say yes to the visit whenever I did the body testing I shared about in the previous episode. I somewhat had to say yes, even though the body spoke in conflicting tongues here. It was absolutely awful. The 36 hrs we spent together in BC were.... i won’t go into detail now. They brought me all the clarity I needed. They showed me that i can trust myself, my inner knowing. And now I see it this way- the body said yes because there were some very important lessons to be learned here. I felt the no so clearly, overrode it to please him, and the result was so revealing. The nervous system prefers familiar discomfort over unfamiliar truth. The moment he visited me in BC, the clarity became instant and undeniable. My body had known the entire time.
The Pattern
The body receives information incredibly fast. Before language. Before logic. Before analysis. There is almost constant digestion of information happen, constant input, constant scan for threats. The nervous system detects safety, danger, congruence, attraction, and misalignment long before conscious thought catches up. We spoke about that in the previous episode. We constantly receive data. Are we listening? Are we hearing what is being shared with us, where we are pointed towards? Chest tightness? That’s information. Held breath? Information. Flatness after the “win”? Information. Arousal? Information. Deadness? Also information. We live in what I call the North American Achievement culture. One of its founding principle is mind over matter. Cerebral must win. We are deeply wired to distrust sensation and trust cognition alone. Standard questions to find ones truth, to find answers: Does this make sense? Should I want this? Does it look good on paper? And very importantly, What will everybody else think? Meanwhile the body is screaming. And every time we override those signals, we disconnect a little further from ourselves. We teach ourselves on a deeper level to not listen, to live a life that is not ours. That is beige, boring, conforming, sucked dead of aliveness.
The lack of arousal is also important information. I lost it completely. This man I had felt attracted to, over time, felt like a burden sucking me dry of my life force energy. There was zero erotic charge left, almost a sense of remorse and disgust. It felt like I was taken from constantly. In my experience here, the mind rationalized- he’s showing up for you (was it really for me though? 99 % of those conversations left me drained) every day. He wants you. Blablabla. I had this strong no, but I talked myself out of it. It was a powerful experience to affirm once again that the body knows way more than the mind. And, the mind is such a trickster, right? Recreating old patterns of “safety” (= people pleasing) just because they feel familiar. Growth, expansion, real change, finally saying no when it is a no, not doing the thing you’re supposed to do- that’s uncomfortable af, because unfamiliar. It is registered like a death threat. But it is the way. It is the only way to breathe yourself through the discomfort to become more you, to make the new, the unfamiliar, the one who you dream to be, more true, more real.
I want to highlight the pattern here, how easy it is to project your husband/wife onto someone you just met. Yes, Burning Man love is a thing. You bond in the dust, in all those massive life experiences. And then, after, that’s when the real work begins. Do you actually stay open, get to know the person, their stories, are you open to receiving the reflections they offer you? This man offered me the crystal clear reflection where I abandoned myself in order to please. Ouff. But I executed. There was a plan of him visiting me, flights booked, so I executed. I followed through. I was in “integrity” at the cost of my own aliveness and truth (see, I’m pretty darn human, too). I am grateful for this lesson.
Societal Reflection
Executive intelligence is highly rewarded. Strategy. Optimization. Performance. Analysis. Five-year plans. Spreadsheets. Erotic intelligence? What is that even? A foreign concept to many. Turn on. Feeling. Sensation. Intuition. Aliveness. They are still perceived as completely outruling each other. As polar opposites almost. And I say, unite them. Let them be one. Can strategy be felt? Performance informed by turn on? Analysis inspired by aliveness? Spreadsheets signed off with sensation?
Erotic wisdom is allowing for your turn on to guide you, lead you, following the aliveness, intuition, the nudges, glimpses. Let the aliveness inform the output, the structure. How about leading your business, your career from erotic intelligence? These sparks of arousal, a little pull, a twinge in your genitals makes you a way bigger player than analysis ever could. Erotic intelligence and executive intelligence are inseparable. It is life force. Creative power. Relational attunement. The ability to feel what is alive. That is leadership.
You cannot analyze your way into intimacy. You cannot spreadsheet your way into aliveness. You cannot think your way into turn on. At some point, the intelligence has to move from the head back into the body. And honestly? A lot of brilliant strategists make terrible lovers. Maybe they have even read a book or two on how to be an excellent lover (have you?). And then they come into the business of the body, the play of pleasure, the dance of delight, with a plan, here to execute the 5 step plan on how to achieve an orgasm for your partner, or yourself, or all of you. What is missing? It’s the body. All this precious information delivered by your lived experience, by your felt sense. Because you left the body behind somewhere on the way into Forbes 500.
It is so overdue to pick up the body, reconnect with the body. This is erotic intelligence. This is embodied leadership. Your body is not made for executive intelligence. Your body IS the intelligence. No analysis can make you, your life, your life’s work orgasmic. Yes, we can study, we can learn, we can plan. And then we need to bring it home into the body. We need to experience it, live it, fail, try again. And failure is difficult, I know. You want to win, at all costs, overriding your body, because this is what is familiar, this is what you are so used to. And then suddenly listening to the body, following the heat, following the turn on, the inner knowing that comes way before the plan, that is unfamiliar, uncomfortable and scary. So with avoid it. We do everything to avoid trusting the body, listening to this wisom, let alone leading from this place.
The Invitation
I imagine you are here because you’re here because you’re exceptional at strategy. You can optimize systems, forecast outcomes, close deals, build structures. But your body knows things your mind cannot touch. When your stomach clenches before that meeting? Data. Feeling sucked dry after that win? Data. Needing more anti acid pills after having said yes to another project? Data. Arousal is intelligence. Not only sexually. But overall, in life. What lights you up? What expands you? What creates vitality, creativity, presence, joy, connection? And equally: what deadens you? What contracts you? What silences you?
The body is a highly intelligent guidance system. And learning to read it again might be one of the most important leadership skills of our time.
Embodied Inquiry
What is your body telling you right now that your mind keeps explaining away?
Where in your life do you feel expansion? Where do you feel deadness?
What relationship, project, or commitment does your body already know the truth about? And what would change if you trusted sensation as intelligence instead of weakness?
The body knows before the mind. It has been telling you the truth the whole time.
When you’re ready to be a new leader, find me.