NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU - The Mother Wound, Self Love & Emotional Freedom | 21
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Some of the deepest holes I fell into during my life (especially adult, and starting to look more at myself, learning more about myself, my patterns, how I move through this world the way I do) were related to my mama. Yes, you read that right. Over time, in therapy, retreats, rituals, she came for me, over and over again. I love my mum and I am infinitely grateful for the gift of life she has given me (my dad was definitely involved in all of this). Overall, I'd say they shaped me into a pretty decent human being. But man, there are moments when I simply have zero desire to talk with her, ever again. And interestingly enough, those are the moments when I must deeply understand that nobody is coming. Nobody is coming to safe me.
Maybe your father is your kryptonite. Or your auntie. Or whoever else was a primary caregiver, raising you. Every single time I blamed her for everything that was hard in my life, and let that go, life changed. It didn't automatically get easier, but something became lighter, more me. More mine. More my responsibility. So how about we don't make it about them (your dad, mum, uncle, grandma, partner, achievement, million). How about we make it about you. Only you. Free yourself.
THE STORY
In the most recent conflict with my mum, I was filled with rage. I had a deep realization, and was so. fucking. mad. Stars aligned, and I was walking to my weekly art therapy session, where I could verbally and physically bash some pillows. Once again (AGAIN!!!), I was still wanting her approval. Child Flora ran the show, she wanted her to be proud of me, celebrate me, love me and my work. Once again, the deeper pain wasn't the conflict itself, it was way younger and deeper. I forgot the numbers, but most of our adult relationships are highly informed by the relationships we had as little humans. This is how we run through this world, recreating childhood patterns to finally find the healing we've been looking for our entire lives.
Enter: self-awareness.
So there I was, snotting, on my knees, wondering why my parents ever chose to have me in the first place. Underneath that lay deep grief. I once again got the opportunity to grief the fantasy that she would one day become the mother your younger parts still longed for. And yes, she did the best she could at the time given with everything in her power and capacity. I truly believe that. I come from a lineage of deep generational trauma (I imagine so do you). Once again I got to recognizing my mum can only love from the capacity she has. I was ready to set a boundary, from love rather than punishment. I had reached the limits of my capacity, it felt like. My therapist encouraged me to find ways and people in my life who love me with this maternal love, who celebrate me, see me, encourage me, cheer me on, support me. I feel extremely blessed by the abundance of motherly love in my life. A conversation with one of my close friends in Revelstoke helped me to gain new perspective. She offered me Terry Real's wisdom, "You can either be right, or you can be in relationship." Bam. And this one phrase, "You know what, mum (fill in the name of the person that is triggering the shit out of you)? You might be right." I am convinced that we all perceive reality as a result, through the filter, of our own experiences. Plus, my mum as well as myself, what can I say... We are both highly opinionated people with strong intellects. But, if tantra taught me one thing, it is that truth is not one-dimensional. There is a multitude of possibilities, and that is exactly what I did, I acknowledged the possibility of her being right, too. Hallelujah. Relationship over righteousness. I want a relationship with my mum, that's for sure.
After said therapy session, I decided to give it all another day or two. Then I was blessed with that coffee date and wisdom from my friend, which gave me the courage to listen to a voice message from my mum. And guess what, she said what I (inner child Flora) so needed to hear. That she is proud of me, that she loves me, and that she is worried about me. We proceeded to have a lovely, connected phone call. All was good. The end (just kidding. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and we are in a similar loop, again...).
THE PATTERN
We spend decades trying to receive the love we never received. We beg for it. We look for it in romantic relationships, lovers, partners, spouses, children, careers, relationships with employees or bosses, success, money, prizes, performance. On the outside it looks like you are achieved, or at least that your motivations are achievement. And on the inside, the nervous system is still saying: Please love me. Please choose me. Please see me. Many people are still showing their father a drawing. Many people are still waiting for their mother to finally praise them for being a good girl/strong boy. We are running around trying to find the love we never got. I might have recommended this before, but doesn't hurt. Read Getting the Love You Want, by Dr. Harville Hendrix.
The strategy changes. The longing stays the same.
Maybe this is familiar. You think your next exit will finally make you enough. Replace liberally with: promotion. Partner. Spouse. Publication. Investment. Affair. Million. While underneath it all, you might still be waiting for your mum. Or dad. For the people who were around when you were little to finally, finally say, "I'm proud of you." Honestly, the higher you fly, the lower the chances of hearing that. Who ever tells a leader, "Good job. I see the effort you've put into this. I'm proud of you." (I do. I celebrate the shit out of my clients). Leadership changes the day you stop asking the world to become your parent. It's one of the ultimate liberations. Suddenly you are free, you are not subconsciously sneakily trying to find daddy's (or someone else's) approval in everything. You stop choosing partners from a deep, unfulfilled childhood need to be loved. Relationships becomes free. Business becomes free. Sex becomes free. Love becomes free. There are tremendous amounts of freedom in giving yourself the love you want (on how to do that another day), or consciously asking for the ones close to you to do so. You can finally release that pressing desire to negotiate for worth. You can finally begin expressing who you truly are.
SOCIETAL REFLECTIONS
These musings bring me once again back to my take on the culture we love in (that was a typo, but I'll leave it, because it makes sense, too). We built a culture of achievement, because people wanted love. And love got disguised as success, status, consumerism, luxury, power, performance, recognition, ownership, property. This might be a bit simplified, and the core is there. Most of those so called accomplishments? Grief wearing a tailored suit. The ones who never feel enough, who show up, no matter what (there is power in that, yes, but are they received in no matter which state they are in, or is it just a meat suit filled with unfelt feelings?), who put in the hours, who never sleep, are the ones who are highly celebrated and rewarded in our economy. I honour ambition. I would call myself ambitious. But who is it that's striving for more, more, more? Is your ambition trying to rescue the child inside you?
EMBODIED INQUIRY
Who are you still waiting to rescue you?
Whose approval still has power over your nervous system?
Where in your life do you already experience the love you've been searching for?
What changes when you stop waiting... and start becoming the one who cares for yourself?
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