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ALIVE
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What do you do when nobody is watching? When you are in the comfort of your home, your office, your bed, behind closed doors, or maybe you are an adrenaline junkie and open that tab on the plane. What are you searching? What are you watching? What turns you on when nobody needs to know that it turns you on? What would you immediately close if somebody walked into the room? What exists in your browser history that barely exists in your spoken life?
Here we are. You have been waiting for this moment. The time has come to open the conversation about porn.
Everything we talked about is weaving into this - shame, wanting, desire, rage, being good, performing, masks, identity, depression, quick fixes, disconnection, wanting, the male loneliness epidemic, loneliness in general, authenticity, conviction, masculinity, mother wound- the list goes on and on.
ALIVE
It is an identity many keep ultra private. Porn is mostly consumed behind closed doors, it belongs to a very private self. A self that can want without being witnessed wanting, that can want alone, with zero risk, zero relation. Most of my 50+ clients confess, "I have nobody to talk with about sex."
Porn isn't new. Humans have been creating sexual imagery for millennia. Walls of ancient temples are covered in sexual imagery. But somewhere through time, it became profane. It lost its sacredness. From the walls of sacred sites to every screen. At any given moment in time, readily available, by a simple click. This brings me to what is historically extraordinary: virtually unlimited sexual novelty, immediately, discreet, on demand, in your pocket, zero effort. You want something? May it be to fall asleep, or because the habit is engrained, or to release frustration, or not knowing where to out your drive, your energy? A simple search, click, watch, come, close, next. Takes a couple of minutes. Repeat. Nothing is asked in return. Nothing is required. This is an easy game without approaching, without seduction, waiting, asking, rejection, negotiation. It is removed from any human interaction.
ALIVE
To be clear, I am not interested in another moral argument about whether porn is good or bad. What interests me is what porn is teaching us about sex? And perhaps more importantly: What is it teaching us about relating?
THE STORY
There are many personal doorways. Enjoying porn myself. Walking into rooms where people watch porn and slam their device shut (that feels weird). Supporting clients in exploring their relationship with porn. The answers to the question, "What do you want?" could be copy paste - relief, I was bored, I was too horny, I was annoyed.
The search bar comes with a strange safety. Maybe you can type in what you cannot say. No eyes to look into. No questioning, no curiosity, no judgment, no criticism. No fear that someone will think that you're strange. No potential misalignment of desires. No one cares, you don't need to explain, explore why this particular thing is making you come alive, at least for a couple of minutes. Perhaps it is something that is societally taboo. Maybe you like daddies, cute schoolgirls, orgies, BDSM, or a different ethnicity. It's fantasy land. Extra benefit: you can go there all by yourself, no need to talk about it, no vulnerability required to log in, consume, come. And then what? I am asking you now, how does it make you feel? I would like to differentiate between 2 minute intermezzos, and hour long artistic movie productions. The time component seems relevant, but in both cases, no relational skills whatsoever are asked.
ALIVE
When you're done, spent, empty, what happens next? Close the tab, go to sleep, go back to work? Relaxed, empty, satisfied, hollow, spent, ashamed, lonely, nothing? Who are you when the arousal is gone? When the peak is reached and released? You can close the screen, the tab disappears, but you don't.
THE PATTERN
Porn makes sexual gratification extraordinarily frictionless and sterile. Again, nothing is asked of you. A couple of minutes, maybe your credit card details. You don't need to speak, negotiate, do RBDSMA (R - Relationship Status & Identities, B - Boundaries, D - Desires, S - Sexual Health & Anatomy, M - Meaning, A - Aftercare).
Researching the numbers made me gasp, multiple times, and more was astonishment than with delight. Check this out:
A 2022 quasi-representative Japanese national survey of adults aged 20–49 found that 84.1% of men reported using pornography. Among men aged 20–29, 34.8% reported using it at least three times per week. Interestingly, respondents didn't uniformly describe porn as harmful to their sex lives: 19.3% of men reported a positive effect and 4.1% reported a negative one.
A massive 2024 International Sex Survey study spanning 42 countries found estimates of being at risk for problematic pornography use varied substantially depending on the measure used, from 3.2% to 16.6%. Men reported the highest levels.
ALIVE
I found this interesting, and it brings me back to my initial point: what is porn teaching us about sex? What kind of erotic environment are we repeatedly entering? Partnered sexuality is messy. It's vulnerable and asks you of infinite courage. The simple, not so simple act of approaching someone. Maybe following a desire, an attraction. There are a hell of a lot unknowns and risks. Nerve wracking anticipation, stuttering, heat flushing your cheeks, hearts beating faster.
None of that with a screen. No waiting, no patience. No reading their body, their subtle cues, your own. No dance. No communicating, no asking, no expressing. You don't even need to know exactly what you want, because an entire menu is presented to you, ready to serve any appetites you might not even have known you had. It requires zero risk taking, no embarrassment, no rejection. It removes the adventurous spirit. Zero chance of exploring, of discovering what they want, what you want, what is off limits. It mostly comes with high speed. So no slowing down, no changing course. Does anyone ever laugh when they watch porn? Is there any awkwardness, silliness, goofiness? Do people's feelings get hurt? Any rupture, any repair? Do people stay after, and come back?
You see, sexuality, sensuality is complex. Being human is complex. Porn can collapse much of that intrinsic, stunningly beautiful, complicated, multi facetted dance into: Want → search → stimulation → orgasm. Done.
The internet adds another extraordinary component: next. Novelty at your fingertips. The menu is infinite. New bodies, new scenes, new fantasies, new categories, new intensity, next, next, next. The thrill, the rush is so readily accessible. Even going to a strip club seems hard work in comparison.
ALIVE
So I want to ask: What happens when erotic gratification increasingly takes place inside environments optimized for immediate reward and novelty? What happens to our reward wiring? How does that play out in day-to-day nervous system on how we approach connection (of any kind really)?
I did go down some research rabbit holes. here worth paying attention to.
This Journal of Sex Research study stood out to me. It examined pornography consumption and delay discounting. So what the heck does that mean? Essentially the human tendency to choose a smaller reward now rather than wait for a larger reward later, aka instant gratification. So, porn consumption, orgasm, quick and easy, vs. the entire experience of co-creating a lived sexual experience.
People who watched more porn at the beginning of the study became more likely over the following four weeks to choose smaller, immediate rewards over larger rewards they had to wait for. You get the idea: What happens when we practice “I want it, I get it now” over and over again? When we never have to wait, get impatient, bored, try harder, put in more effort, work harder?
Then the researchers took it one step further. For three weeks, one group gave up porn. Another gave up their favourite food. Afterwards, the people who had taken a break from porn were more willing to wait for a bigger reward instead of grabbing the smaller, immediate one. Three weeks. A speck of dust in the grand scheme of time. Which makes me wonder: what happens when we interrupt the endless cycle of I want - click - get - come - done?
I don't think this means “porn has rewired men's brains and destroyed their attention spans.” But it makes me deeply curious about something: What happens to our capacity for erotic patience when immediate sexual reward becomes normal?
ALIVE
Another human being is not immediate. They don't load when you click them. They don't necessarily want you. There is a risk of them saying no, I don't want that, I want that different, I don't want that now. They might avoid you or cling to you. They might need time. They might want something completely different. They change their minds. Or they are simply not into you. Humans are humans after all. We get distracted, tired, annoyed. Our bodies hurt, change, birth children and age. Bodies have needs, trauma, and a nervous system. They might by far not be as readily available as your favourite star. And most importantly: They continue existing after you've gotten what you wanted. A screen never asks you to stay after you come. Or come back. Or take you out for dinner. Or talk with you. Or keep going for an hour, or two, or a whole day. A human connection might. It's risky business.
THE INVITATION
Keep watching. Start watching yourself.
The foundation of your life is excellence of eliminating friction. You take pride in efficiency, faster, better. You rely on infinite possibilities of delegation and automation. You are at a place where buying the better seats is easy. It is the core of your existence to solve the problem and get the result.
ALIVE
And perhaps, without ever consciously choosing it, sexuality has adopted the same architecture over time, and yes, sure, you worked hard to get to this point: I want. I get. Immediately. You might find yourself pushing the same buttons on yourself or a partner that have always worked. Or the buttons that have worked on yourself on someone else (aaahhheeem, I hate to tell you, but female arousal works in very different ways than male). Or the buttons that worked on someone on someone else. Good luck! Aren't we all fumbling in the dark? I love a good visual. Or lack thereof.
Take a breath and let me break this news to you: no partner is an interface. Your body isn't an interface either. An erection isn't a command-response mechanism. It's way more multi-layered than that. You are way more multi-layered than that. Intimacy is way more multi-layered than that. But maybe that's exactly what you don't want. Maybe that's exactly what you're avoiding. No matter if with yourself or someone else, life itself.
ALIVE
It is one of the hardest questions, because we never pause long enough to find the answer. We just go. Wired by repetition, built a habit. But, before opening the browser next time, ask yourself, "What am I actually wanting right now?" I know, this takes a moment. And you might not know. But simply adding this pause, that space, might make you realize that you're after something else. Only you can know. Is it really sex that you want? Are you chasing inspiration? You can't come without? You need that hard grip of your dominant hand? That stimulus, the fast and hard? This specific intensity? The low effort? You are craving that release? Or are you looking for comfort? Does it offer you something that would never ever be available to you outside your screen? Are you a junkie for novelty (confession for you, I sure am. Most women are, contradictory to common belief.)? You need a break from reality, an escape? To stop thinking? To feel powerful? To surrender? To feel something? To feel nothing?
What happens if you don't immediately give yourself what you want? Stretch that span a little? Can you feel arousal without immediately discharging it? Can you stay with wanting? Can you masturbate without pornography? Can you slow down enough to discover what your body actually enjoys? Can you remain with yourself after orgasm rather than immediately moving to the next thing? Capacity, capacity, capacity, my friends!
Can you bring your desire into relationship (no matter if it's for an hour or a lifetime)? Can you look at another human being and say: I want this. Can you tolerate their reaction? Can you ask without demanding? Can you hear no without collapsing? Can you remain curious about a body you've touched hundreds of times (your own)? Can you discover novelty inside familiarity? Can you stay?
This is not an invitation to abstinence. It is an invitation to erotic attention.
ALIVE
Continue to SOCIETAL REFLECTIONS and EMBODIED INQUIRY.
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