We practiced ALIVE
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We all do it. We take, take, take. This might be inspired by current events, once again. Whenever new shit gets dragged out into the light, I want to punch toxic patriarchy in the face and in the balls. I scream into pillows and kick my knee into a rolled up duvet instead. I almost puke with outrage, disgust and anger. I cough up and purge. It makes me so fucking mad. What happened that someone, or many think that it's ok to rape? To lure in as friend as a friend, under false pretense, tell your friends in a fucking group chat and no man speaks up? And then keep it all hush, hush, quiet, because reputation? No actual prosecution? No actual consequences? What the actual fuck? As you can tell, I am still outraged, and will perhaps forever be. It is too much. Multiple times a year something like this airs. Some public outrage, sure. But what is actually shifting? What happened for this to be ok, in society, in the legal system, in the school system? When did it become ok to take? I am hammering those words into my keyboard, some very angry writing is happening here.
And as always, aligned with my north star, with my purpose, this is about aliveness. I desire to come in with curiosity, to explore all aspects visible to me, without making anything right or wrong. Sometimes this feels like a Herculian task, unfeasible. Today, might be one of those times. Today, this is about taking. Stop taking. Wish me luck.
I'm sure you experienced this. Somebody wants something from you, but they don't say it. They smile at you. They take you out for dinner. They offer you a massage. They invite you over to watch a movie. Duh. Why is nobody ever saying what they want? It drives me NUTS!!! It feels so fucking shitty to be touched by someone who is taking. Who only caresses your hair with the end goal in mind to fuck you. It feels equally shitty to be invited for a coffee and all they want is pick your brain, your funds, your wisdom, your expertise. Technically, on a societal behavioral level, you are doing everything right, but the agenda underneath it is tangable. When did we stop doing things for the sake of doing things? When did we stop enjoying ourselves? When did we stop having fun? When did we stop being present in this one precious moment? Buy me dinner, you get to fuck me. Touch me so I get turned on (pushes hand towards crotch). Kiss me so we have sex. I did this, now you do that. In German we say, one hand washes the other. I hate it. No strings attached? I call that bullshit. And you know what? More often than not taking doesn't look than taking. On the outside.
Let me assure you, this is not only about sex, and I'm doing my best to make this beyond gender.
I love how my anger writing is thick with cursing.
THE STORY
Particularly with new people, no matter if potential new lovers or potential new business partners, I find it often so striking. I find myself looking for the one step leads to the next-automatization. You hung out three times. Automated next level: kiss. You met at a networking event. Automated next level: let's talk. I hate that I'm looking for the escalator. The next automated, expected step. I find myself easily falling into those patterns. I hate myself looking for them. And I love myself when I get to switch it up, when I jump all the way down to the bottom, or skip a few steps. Way more fun, especially for a novelty addict, like yours truly. I do notice, especially in new connections, how the fast lane would be the usual way. Do it the way I've always done it. Which, in my personal history, means chasing, rushing, suffering, denying my desires, my body's wisdom, my pleasure, just so to follow a mental, societal 10 step plan to secure the funding, secure the fame, secure the wife, or whatever else it is you want.
It makes me wanna throw up. That felt sense experience of hands on my body, not touching me, but trying to get somewhere. And I am certainly guilty of that, too. Looking at someone and seeing where they can get me, especially if they are rich, beautiful or, ideally, both. Where am I trying to get to?
Can you track any experiences where you meet someone simply for the sake of meeting them? No agenda (haha), nowhere to go, nowhere to be, but here and now. The difference is palpable. In my personal body, a softening happens, a deep relaxation, an exhale, a relief. My jaw unclenches, my forehead, too. I remember to breathe, my pussy opens, and I sink into my bone structure. I get to be me. I get to take off masks, I can want and also say no. I feel no need to perform, or be someone else. I feel safe. This is the visceral experience of being.
I witnessed an infinity expressions of those unwritten contracts. I take you out to dinner, then I get to fuck you. I let you fuck me, and you give me security. I am generous with you and you want access to all of me. I care for you and you expect unwavered loyalty until death does us apart. I am affectionate with you and you mistake me for your mommy and take from me all the reassurance you never got from her. I punch you, you punch back. I chase you, you run the other way.
You see, there are infinite scenarios of give and take. I would not say that the thing being offered is necessarily the problem. Again, no good/bad, black/white. But so many shade of grey. So many. The invisible invoice is a shade of grey. Unclear agreements are shades of grey. That being said, maybe we don't know from the beginning what the agreements are, no matter if in personal or professional environments. But at some point down the road, rather sooner than later, get clear. Get crystal clear on what you want, they want, and check the alignment and misalignment. The more experience I gain, in life, love and work, the more enthusiastic I become about agreements. "Not sexy", I hear you think. On the contrary, I say. Clarity is sexy af. Invisible count lists of you did this, I did that, I did this, therefore you owe me that, are not hot. Let me be even more specific:
“I’m giving you a massage.” I expect sex. “I’m taking you to dinner.” Surely this is going somewhere. “I’m giving you sex.” Now take care of me. “I’m always there for you.” Therefore you cannot leave me. “I provide everything.” Therefore I get authority over you.
Never experienced any of this? You are special. Please reach out. I would love to hear more.
THE PATTERN
Whoever thought that anything, truly anything, but especially a human, a woman's body, is here to be taken only, I invite you to seriously reconsider your perspective (I almost wrote, IS WRONG. Barely caught myself.). Nothing is here to be taken, consumed. Unwritten agreements, expectations, history, lived experience, underlying traditions, trades, generational misconception, power imbalance, consumption and the illusion of endless resources (including our own energy) and fuckery have not taught us well. Take, take, take. Fuck this.
Human relationships involve exchange. They might even be built on that. We keep each other warm, protect each other fro wild animals, forage, and we live by the sea, you live in the mountains, so I give you this, you give me that. I found water down this way, so I leave a drawing for you on this cave wall. Would be stupid to not trade, exchange. What interests me is the hidden contract. When did that start? When did we start thinking “I gave you X, therefore you owe me Y.” I'm sure you know somebody with the eternal complaint, "They never call me." Where was it written that you must avoid calling them, at all costs? The other person never agreed to being the one calling you, did they? They never agreed to the contract.
Sorry, not sorry for the legal terminology. This makes it simple for me.
Somewhere on the way, giving became a sophisticated way of taking. With the nuance that not everybody involved agreed to those unwritten terms. I am really catching myself here, too. New dating is especially treacherous territory for those unwritten agreements. It is frustratingly challenging to stay in the present moment, based on the information and current experience, while in a wild whirlwind of an intoxicating hormonal cocktail. Phew. And I'm not limiting this to dating in the sense of potential mate, but widening the lense to professional environments, particularly for entrepreneurs and founders. What is sales but the good, old chase? Infinite options to sugar coat, to gift wrap, to disguise. And one of the most efficient, safe, and ultimately confusing ways? Give instead of asking directly because asking exposes us to no. Oh, hello, good old fear of rejection.
And what do we do to get on top of this? We control. In both directions. I hold back. I overgive. Covert exchange gives us the illusion of control: If I give enough, surely you'll give me what I want. Chances are high, that at some point, down the line, bitterness erupts. Resentment makes the invisible invoice, the hidden contract. Ever heard the lovely words, "After everything I've done for you..." No pressure, but... I only gave to you, no matter what - presence, time, dinners, caresses, sweet words, access to resources, speaking gigs, so you pay me back. Berkh. You see the entitlement in this? The victim? But how powerful is it to want, to desire, without needing anything in return. To feel the urge, the impulse, the pull, and have the capacity to fucking be with it. And vice versa, to give, to give your heart, your love, your money, your sensuality, simply for the sake of giving? Not to take mental note of "and one day, they will chose me", or similar. My, my, my. The power of presence. Let me state it point blank for you: Desire isn't entitlement. Generosity isn't leverage. And ultimately, yes, take. Take what you desire. But do me a favour, and be clear about it. With yourself and the one you are taking from. Guess what this requires? Tatatataaaa, relating! This is reciprocal, even if you don't think it is. It requires communication. It require human skills. Spoiler alert: cannot be done with artificial intelligence.
THE INVITATION
Notice what you're giving. Also, notice what you are taking. Notice what you are receiving (maybe this is the most challenging for you). Then become curious: If I knew I would receive absolutely nothing in return, would I still give this? Turn it around, Can I receive this with zero need to give anything in return? And, refelcting on current events, can I take this without causing harm? That might be really, really nice to ask. Can I take this with good conscious? Can I take this with humility and gratitude?
Once again, this is asking brutal honesty with yourself, my love. I am calling myself in, too. We all want. I don't trust no one who says, I don't want anything. I have no desires. My invitation for you (we played a game like this before, want!): Maybe you're not actually wanting to give. What do you want in return? Can you name it? Can you ask for it directly instead of creating an exchange the other person doesn't know they're in? This is so fucking hard. Getting crystal clear on that might wanna hide or run or vanish into a hole in the earth, or all three of these. And requires a shit ton of courage to get clear on what you want, get clear on where you are taking under the premise of an invisible exchange, or a deal only you know about. This might be one of your biggest challenges ever: the cultural scripts run deep. You do this, I do that.
I invite you: Make the invisible contract visible.
Continue to SOCIETAL REFLECTIONS and EMBODIED INQUIRY.
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